Safety is Predictability
I still remember the times, when you sent a letter by snail mail, and it would take days, if not weeks, for a response. These days I check my emails ten times per day, even on a weekend. We have lost a lot of breathing space within one generation. Is our global nervous system struggling to keep up with the pace of instant connectedness? As much as I embrace the amazing advances of internet-life online, it seems, we need a reset, a restart of our way of being. Many of us certainly need a rest at the moment. We need to exhale. We are exhausted from the undercurrent of constant threat.
One of the core principles of trauma therapy is that you need to feel safe, before any discharge of the pent up inner tension can happen. If need be, a conscious effort has to be made to establish this visceral sense of safety. Steven Porges defines safety as predictability. The infant is OK with the mother leaving in the knowledge, she will return. The same infant would be very upset without this trust. The child we take to hospital, or any other event for that matter, without knowing, what is going on, will be overwhelmed. We can adjust to occurrences and cope with them, if we know, what to expect. For the past 20 month we have lived through utter unpredictability. Hope has become perilously fragile. We have charged all human connection, even with loved ones, with the fear of infection. Can we plan anything ahead? After close to 2 years of virus vigilance people are drained of their inner resources. Every new variant becomes another crushing blow to our dreams of travelling, holidays and connecting with friends and family. Our nervous systems can only cope with so much unpredictability. This long-term uncertainty has taken its toll.
Do you remember the outburst of creativity during the first lockdown in 2020? The Italians singing on their balconies, ballerinas designing dance routines en pointe in their kitchens. Whole movie libraries, museum visits and concerts were going online. More than a year later none of this is happening anymore. People are zoomed out. We are no longer bouncing back after another lockdown. Rather people are limping to the end of the year.
In particular women are experiencing the great exhaustion after juggling work, home-schooling, financial and emotional stress. Therapists are burnt out, dealing with their own exposure to isolation and depression, while being expected to treat clients who experience the same. Another wave seems to be the great resignation of healthcare workers, who are leaving their profession in droves. In recent months, I have listened to many who have decided to leave their job and embark on a new, hopefully more creative, more fulfilling career. They want their life to be more meaningful and not just exhausting.
When we journey through the Dark of the Night, a psychological stage Carl Jung calls the Night Sea Journey, we are capable to endure lots. However, paradoxically all the skills that keep us going in times of peril and threat, become obsolete, once we arrive. When we reach the distant shore, where we no longer need to fight and hold it together, we often do not know, what to do. The journey has taught us how to survive, but not how to live, to be present and simply be in the moment. The entire skill set that was so valuable during the dark night, becomes an obstacle, once we arrive. All the micro-managing, the discipline, the enduring stance now get in the way and stop us from letting go. This is a curious problem, because all we long for is to sleep, to rest, to finally relax, but to our stressed-out nervous system, this relaxation does not come easily. It takes time to unwind. In order to rest, we almost need to retrain our entire being to be less driven, to be gloriously unproductive – at least for a little while, so we can get a break.
We may think of relaxation as a muscle we have not sufficiently exercised over the past 20 months. Depression is inertia, it is shut-down, it is not relaxation. Depression masks high emotional states we cannot cope with. Relaxation is about being at peace with yourself. Meditation in its many forms is a good practice to exercise being in the here and now. Sitting cross-legged on a pillow, however, is not for everyone. Yet, walking can be a meditation, swimming can be, dancing, qigong, taichi, drawing a mandala or painting. It is not important what we do, but how we do it. Mindfulness is needed rather than Zoom and social media.
Mindfulness might be the necessary remedy to counterbalance our busy, interconnected lives. We need to practice being present and in the moment. Let us exercise our creative right brain hemisphere, to play and enjoy simple things. As an artist and a healer I experience on a daily basis, how the creative process and the healing process are interconnected, and how both arise from a mysterious, wordless source at the core of our being. We can tap into this source through getting out of our head, by letting go of the long list of shoulds. When we engage our senses, we can taste, smell, touch, hear and see the beauty of the here-and-now, wherever we are. When we can let go of perfection, we may be able to accept the obvious that life has ups and downs and ride the waves, rather than fighting them.
Hopefully, many of us can stop and take a breath after 20 months of hypervigilance. Let us hug trees, swim in the ocean, go for long walks, build Lego with our children, dangle feet into a creek or build a snowman, if you are up north. May there be warm embraces, good food and lots of real, tangible connections. May you find a good read for a long afternoon, inspiring chats, and a hand to hold. There is surely more unpredictability ahead. For now, it might be important to take a moment to exhale.
AThR, SEP, ANZACATA, IEATA
Healing Trauma with Guided Drawing®
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